The importance of big feelings: Learning to welcome every emotion

We often grow up learning that some feelings are bad. Anger, jealousy, sadness, these emotions are quickly labelled as negative or unacceptable. We’re told to “calm down,” “stop crying,” or “be nice.” Over time, this message becomes part of our inner landscape: big feelings must be avoided, hidden, or boxed away.

I see this in my work with children and adults alike. A child erupts in frustration when something feels unfair. An adult bristles with jealousy or resentment but immediately shuts it down with shame. It’s as if we believe that having these feelings makes us flawed or unworthy.

But the truth is, feelings themselves are never wrong or bad. They are simply signals, information about our needs, values, and boundaries. Anger tells us something matters. Jealousy can reveal a longing or a fear of losing connection. Sadness shows our capacity to love deeply.

When we don’t allow ourselves to feel, we lose the chance to process or understand. Emotions stay stuck, simmering below the surface. They can show up in our bodies as tension or headaches, in our relationships as irritability or withdrawal, or in our lives as chronic dissatisfaction.

Awareness is the first step to coping. When we become curious about our feelings instead of judging them, we open space for healing. Instead of thinking I shouldn’t feel this way, we can ask:

·       What is this feeling trying to tell me?

·       Where do I feel it in my body?

·       What do I need right now?

For children, this process is especially powerful. When adults model that all feelings are valid and safe to express, kids learn to trust their emotional world. They grow up knowing that anger doesn’t make them “bad,” and sadness doesn’t make them “weak.” Children look to the adults in their lives to understand how to handle big feelings. When you show a child that it’s okay to name and accept your own emotions, you give them permission to do the same.

For example, saying “I am feeling frustrated right now. I’m going to take a few deep breaths so I can feel calmer” shows that strong emotions can be acknowledged without shame and managed in healthy ways.

Validation is one of the most important ways to support a child’s emotional growth. It simply means letting a child know their feelings make sense and are okay to have. You don’t have to agree with their behavior to validate their experience. You might say:

·       “I can see you’re really sad that your toy broke.”

·       “It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here with you.”

·       “That was really hard. I understand why you’re feeling angry.”

This kind of gentle presence teaches children that all emotions are welcome, even the big, messy ones. When you stay calm and compassionate, you show them that feelings don’t have to be scary or hidden.

And for adults, it’s never too late to practice this awareness and self-compassion. You can start by simply naming what you feel without judgment. If you’re angry, say so. If you’re envious, acknowledge it. This honest acceptance can transform how you relate to yourself and others.

Feelings are not the enemy. They are guides. When we allow ourselves and our children to experience them fully, we grow in resilience, self-trust, and authenticity.